Everyone complains that there isn’t enough community spirit at GW but worry not, I’ve got the solution. The greatest analytical mind of our time has been released and will hit the open market on March 13. Before the Redskins can make an offer, GW needs to throw their hat into the ring. I am of course referring to Peyton Manning, formerly of the Indianapolis Colts.
Unpopular rampant speculation: Peyton cannot throw a football. He certainly can’t outrun Terrell Suggs. But what can he do? With his three fused vertebrae Peyton can still make the Manning face, figure out a defense, and sell the crap out of Sprint cell phones. He may be done throwing, but there’s no way he’s lost that entrepreneurial touch. Substitute Sprint phones with ‘GW Football’ and there you have it. The GW football program is reborn under Coach Manning!
The timing couldn’t be better. With all the conference realignment, GW could easily finagle its way into the Big East or Big XII. And boom! Before you know it, the GW Peyton’s are on the map (he’ll be forced to sign with us if we change our name, right?). Like Lombardi with his fedora, Peyton will forge an iconic image ever sporting the colonial era tri-corner hat on the sidelines.
The new GW Peytons logo
Skeptics might ask, where would this superstar led team play? Where on earth would we place such a facility? There just so happens to be a 5-story hole where the engineering building is supposed to go. It’s right on campus, and the funding is there if we beg enough. No well-endowed alumni would deny GW a Manning dynasty. Plus, after some first season struggles, how excited will students be when their GWU undefeated football shirts become ironic?
So Peyton, if you are reading this, remember GW when you fail your physicals and don’t get signed. We’ll be waiting with open arms. Come to GW Peyton, it beats cheering, “Cut that meat!” to your butcher.